Column – Joe Morinville

Like nearly everyone else in Morinville, Joe had a hard time trying to beat the heat last week. With temperatures in the 30s for much of the week, Joe was more of a curmudgeon than normal. Here are his thoughts on the dog days of summer.

1/ Can someone explain to me how it is that in 30-some degree weather, young men still walk around in jeans and hoodies. I know they wear their pants down around their knees now. Is that some form of air conditioning?

2/ Advise to anyone over 60: Do not go to the spray park without your grandchildren. You get strange looks from the mothers, and rightfully so.

3/ Further advise to anyone over 60: When at the spray park without your grandchildren, do not go running through the water. You get strange looks from the mothers – and they phone the men with the white coats with the arms that tie in the back.

4/ If Higher Grounds or the Green Bean can figure out a way to serve their iced coffees intravenously, I’ll be the first in line. I’ll be able to keep cool and have enough cafe in in me to outrun those fellows with the white coats when they try to take me back to wherever they think I escaped from.

5/ Now old Joe has more than a pound or two of extra Joe around his middle, but if your belly looks like you are smuggling a dwarf under your shirt, please, for the love of all that is modest, do not go out in public in a tube top. You women can wear what you please, but men you got to stop wearing tube tops.

6/ In reference to my fifth point, I am pretty certain it was a man I saw in the tube top. If it wasn’t, then I am blaming the vision, as disturbing as it was, on heat stroke. Do not call those white coat fellows on me.

7/ There is no better way to beat the heat than a double or triple scoop of ice cream from the Ice Hut! Located behind the tea house. It is tasty, and you are sure to burn off the calories from the sauna-like conditions outside.

8/ Watched a documentary about how global warming is a hoax. The documentary was pretty convincing. They almost had me convinced that the 30 degree weather was due to farting cows and not factory stacks. And speaking of farting cows, anyone else notice less smell coming from Champion? If they could finally beat that heat problem, let’s get their crack team of European engineers to put a giant air conditioner on top of that fancy smoke stack of theirs.

9/ Can we stop telling one another it is hot. We know it is hot, and flapping our gums about how hot it is only blows more unease army hot air into,the already hot air.

10/ Well, that is about all I have to say about this heat. I’m going to throw on One of the wife’s tube top, go get some ice cream, and see if I can outrun those lads with the white coats.

Be cool!

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The Morinville News is an online daily and bi-weekly print publication serving Morinville and surrounding area. Our print publication is distributed on the first, third and fifth Wednesday. You can also follow us online on Twitter @MorinvilleNews and on Facebook at Facebook.com/MorinvilleNews

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