Column – Joe Morinville

God has a sense of humour – otherwise he would not have created annoying creatures!

1/ Mosquitos have to be the most annoying thing created and I think they are supported by the repellent companies who must cultivate mosquito eggs some place nearby! They are so annoying, especially when you’re just trying to get a good night’s sleep and all you hear is them buzzing around! So annoying! Then they still have the cheek to bite you and then you’re all itchy from them!

2/ I think a fish in a fish tank is annoying because it is so stupid. A fish does nothing and it’s such a boring animal! Boring animals are annoying. Jack fish on my hook? That is fun!

3/ Squirrels would not be so annoying if they did not have to relieve themselves at the corner of my house every time they go to climb the wall.

4/ Seagulls! Why , with all the places they can take a dump in and around Morinville, do they have to eye up my car and drop not once but two or three times on my clean car. Not the dirty one beside it, the clean car. Squawking and crapping all over, I thought I was back at work again!

5/ Slugs! Well, you know what I think of slugs! Yes, they remind me of drug dealers: slimy and crawling around town with their butts showing, leaving a trail of buzzed kids!

6/ Magpies yapping in the morning. They are ugly and sound too much like Canadian Parliament. (Daisy BB guns keeping pests out of your yard since 1886, that is what I am thinking?

7/ Cats! Someone loves them but not me as I have a reason to cultivate and turn up my own flower beds. Do not get me wrong. My cats were perfect. It is the neighbour’s cats that are questionable! Eat birds and then leave the stuff they do not like on my lawn chair or gopher intestines on my porch! I am so proud of you, kitty!

8/ Dogs! Love them, but why do the humans the dogs are walking allow them to crap on my lawn? I am just saying! Why do you think that every post, piece of public land, and hydrant is okay to let your dog go?

9/ You know who those men and woman are! Need I say more? You can yap at them and they still are here until Darwin’s theory kicks in!

10/ Platypus I am not a fan of these. The unusual appearance of this egg-laying, venomous, duck-billed, beaver-tailed, otter-footed mammal is baffling. The male platypus having a spur on the hind foot can deliver a venom capable of causing severe pain to humans. Luckily we do not have any in our neighbourhoods, but at night in the parks it sounds like they have invaded Canada .Oh that was a group of scum bags who stole cars from our quiet town again or filled the fountain with soap.

Time to get back to mowing and swatting mosquitos with my hat on so the seagulls do not crap on my head. Oh, there is that grey cat again and the magpies!

Don’t forget to vote in the Joe Morinville Awards.

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The Morinville News is an online daily and bi-weekly print publication serving Morinville and surrounding area. Our print publication is distributed on the first, third and fifth Wednesday. You can also follow us online on Twitter @MorinvilleNews and on Facebook at Facebook.com/MorinvilleNews

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