Column: Joe Morinville

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My Facebook page lit up last week with all the folks I know yapping about the royal baby and when it was going to be born and what it might be called when it was born. I know I shouldn’t call him it but he was an it before we knew it was a him. He finally came out, no doubt on a gold fringed pillow, and his folks Kate and Billy give him his name. It got me to thinking about that and baby names.

1/ The royals stuck with giving him three names ahead of his last name and people made a big deal about that. I’m not sure why there was so much fuss about a woman giving birth, let alone the kid’s got three given names.

2/ George Alexander Louis is an OK set of names. It makes the kid sound like one of those mixed martial arts lads with the six pack abs and shaved heads. You know … Three-time champion George Alexander Louis is taking on newcomer XYZ.

3/ Come to think of it assassins and serial killers often have three names. John Wilkes Booth and John Wayne Gacy had three names.
4/ At least they gave him normal names that you can spell and are familiar with. Not like so many names people name their kids today. A neighbour’s one grandbaby is named Jeevika and another was named Shimon. On that last one I thought my neighbour had developed a lisp or something.

5/ Then there’s the folks what give their kids names like countries and stuff. Maybe Kate and Billy should have named the boy England.

6/ What drives me nuts are all the odd spellings people use for everyday names, like Devid instead of David or Shimon instead of Simon. Still think that might have been a lisp. Then some folks throw the letter Y thrown around in names like it is confetti at a wedding.

7/ When I was researching this week’s column I looked up Stupid Baby Names on the Google. Did you know last year somebody named their boy Burger? Another kid was named Pawk, which is exactly the sound a nice wood makes smacking the side of a golf ball on a good day of golf.

8/ I’m sure glad the royals didn’t name baby George Burger instead. I won’t live long enough to see this lad crowned king, but I don’t think the world is ever going to be ready for a King Burger.

9/ At least last names are set in stone, except hyphenated last names when couples decide to give their kids both names. I wonder what happens when a Smith-Jones marries a Johnson-Reynolds. Do their children become Smith-Jones-Johnson-Reynolds. And what if they have three first names? They do not make drivers licences big enough for a George Alexander Louis Smith-Jones-Johnson-Reynolds. Kid could grow up to be his own law firm with that many names on the shingle.

10/ Notice how nobody names their kid Joe anymore. I’m glad my parents gave me that name.

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