Column: Joe Morinville

Now that the weekend’s Light Up the Night Festival has officially kicked us into Christmas mode. It’s time for me to roll out my own Christmas wish list. I’m hoping Santa might be able to come through for me on a couple of them.

1/ I wish Canadian retailers would stop using the term Black Friday for their Christmas sales. It’s a stupid term in the States and it’s stupider here.

2/ I wish Global News would have shut up last week about Black Friday coming to Canada.

3/ I wish I knew if you were wishing I’d shut up about Black Friday coming to Canada.

4/ And because you haven’t read enough about Black Friday, I wish people would trample up and down our streets doing a little Christmas shopping instead of trampling over one another at the big box stores in the City to do all of their shopping in the hopes of saving a couple bucks.

3/ I wish people would stop putting all them cat pictures on the Internet. I like cats well enough as long as someone else owns them. But when I want to see what my grandkids or friends is up to on the Facebook, I do not want to have to scroll through 58 pictures of adorable cats with clever sayings. Most of them aren’t that clever.

4/ I wish they would outlaw this auto tune stuff that makes singers sound like a robot arguing with a set of bagpipes. Once upon a time singers had to be able to sing. They took lessons. They practiced. Then they got good enough to be a singer. Sinatra. Tony Bennett. Them three guys in the tuxedos what sung in Italian all the time. All them fellows sang like angels. Heard some awful noise coming out the neighbor kid’s car stereo. Sounded like a vacuum cleaner fighting with a screech owl. Apparently some guy named T-Pain. Look him up on the Google if you can get past the cat pictures.

5/ I wish they’d stop making reality shows with the word Wars in it. Storage Wars. Parking Wars. Cake Wars. Now they got one coming out called Whisker Wars. I hope that’s the end of it.

6/ I wish I knew if the Mayans was right about the world ending Dec. 21. I haven’t gone Christmas shopping yet and think I might wait until the 22nd this year just in case. No point in spending money if we all aren’t going to be here to open the presents.

7/ I wish people would stop picking on fruitcakes and making fun of them. Try picking on a pumpkin pie or other festive dessert. People just wouldn’t stand for it, but the poor concrete-like fruitcake with its strange red and green jellied whatever-the-hell-those-things-are is open season. I say it is time to take a stand and let the fruitcake take its rightful place as a holiday doorstop.

8/ I wish the editor would stop cutting my column off before I get to all 10 of the things I want to say.

Print Friendly, PDF & Email