Column: Joe Morinville

So the Oscar nominees were announced last Thursday and it got me thinking about how much I like movies and how much I hate the Oscars, except for my brother Oscar whom I watch the Oscars with.

1/ How come the Best Picture is almost always a movie I’ve never seen or have no interest in seeing. Last time I agreed with a Best Picture pick was Braveheart in 1996. Time before that was 1973 when The Godfather won, but I think he might have made them an offer they couldn’t refuse.

2/ In actual fact, I pretty much agreed with their pick throughout the 1970s. Midnight Cowboy, Patton, The French Connection, Godfather, The Sting, Godfather Part II, One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, Rocky, Annie Hall, and The Deer Hunter. Not a bad movie in the bunch.

3/ I was quite shocked to learn the Oscar statue is based on a naked Mexican named Emilio. You can Google that up on the Wikipedia if you don’t believe me.

4/ It’s funny no James Bond movie has ever been nominated for an Oscar. Wonder if that’s why they keep getting new James Bonds every few years since Connery and Moore stopped playing him.

5/ The Oscars would be a lot more enjoyable to watch if they just announced the winners and tossed them their trophy from the stage. These long acceptance speeches are too much. You could watch the movie in the time it takes the winner to tell you how thankful they are. The actual time limit is 45 seconds but most of them don’t know enough to shut up once that cheesy orchestra music starts playing to tell them it’s time to move on.

6/ And do we really need to send 28 people up on stage to accept some technical award? Come on. Your names start rolling by at the end of the movie in the credits and we start filing out the door to go home. That ought to be an indicator about how the public regards you behind the scenes people. Best technical reverb in an original animated short. Why is there even an award for that?

7/ But now these technical people are conspiring against us to make us sit through the stupid credits. They do this by putting an extra scene after the credits. And if you don’t stay, all your friends tell you how great the scene after the credits was and how it sets up the next movie in the series.

8/ Naked Mexican named Emilio. I mentioned that earlier but it bares repeating. BARES repeating.

9/ And speaking of what people are wearing. Is there a need to make the red carpet show as long as the awards show?

10. The Oscars are on Feb. 24. That’s a Sunday and I’ll be watching Walking Dead. That’ show’s got twice as many zombies as the Oscars but a lot fewer dull speeches.

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