Column: Joe Morinville

joethumbLast couple weeks I got cut from this rag and this week they said I could come in but I had to keep my column down to one column width. So they made me skinny this week without having to diet.

1 They got these things now what you wear on your wrist and it tells you how many steps you took that day going back and forth to the fridge for beer and three more pieces of pie.

2 Grandkids got one of these Wii outfits a year or two ago and they got me swinging the thing to play tennis and bowling and what not. Darned paddle flew out of my hand and struck the wall and put a little hole in it, which was better than it hitting the daughter’s big screen TV in the rec room. I’d have been getting fit running home.

3 Back in the 1960s I read a book called the Drinking Man’s Diet and it said gin and vodka were good for losing weight because they were low carb beverages. Way I saw it is a fellow followed that he’d weigh a hundred pounds but have a 600-pound liver.

4 Another diet idea what went around at the time was chewing your food exactly 32 times. Not sure how fat you’d get if you only did 31 chews or how skinny you’d get if you did 33 or more.

5 Cabbage was supposed to make you lose weight and the way I figure it is it was a married guys diet. You eat too much of that stuff and you’ll clear the wife out of the house so there is no one around to feed you.

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