Column: Joe Morinville

I’ve never had much cause to read the national papers published in the centre of the universe there in Ontario, but I did learn a fair bit when I did.

1/ The Liberals is having a race for their next leader. I can’t even remember who the last one was. A Liberal in Morinville is as scarce as a cat at a pit bull convention.

2/ There’s a restaurant that’s making a corn dog that costs $17. You can buy more than a dozen of them at any convenience store or gas station for that kind of money. Apparently it is made of some kind of gourmet sausage made of sweetbread, bone marrow, truffle and foie gras. I looked that last one up on the Google and learned it is duck liver. People been watching too many of these cooking shows if they think a battered hotdog is worth $17.

3/ I read that Patricia Krentcil, that American woman who was on the news because she tans so much she looks like a piece of airline luggage, is going to move to England. Apparently they banned her from using tanning salons anywhere in her state so she is going across the pond to be free to make her face look even more like a rugby ball. Jolly good riddance, I say.

4/ Speaking of England and people with cobwebs for brains, there are a couple scientists from England’s University of Leicester that did a study to see if Spider-Man’s webs could really stop a train. Seems that it could, according to these deep-thinking researchers. I guess once their study is all wrapped up, they are going to do a five-year study into why Superman can make people think he’s Clark Kent just by putting on a pair of reading glasses and a fedora.

5/ A lot of people got up in arms because that Ben Affleck film, Argo, did not recognize Canada’s role in the Iran hostage crisis. I don’t know why people are so surprised. Have you ever seen a Hollywood movie about WWII where the war started before 1941? Me neither.

6/ An Australian billionaire is going to build a new version of the Titanic by 2016. People are already lined up to take a voyage on the thing. Guess there wasn’t any more room on the maiden flight of the Hindenburg II.

7/ Read about an 18-year-old fellow from Indiana that needed a job and was going to walk 10 miles in the snow for an interview to get a $7.25 an hour job. About half way through he ran upon a restaurant owner and got hired on the spot after he told the businessman what he was going to do. You read a story like that and you get a little hope restored. Anyone here that’s tried to hire and keep staff knows exactly what the hell I’m talking about.

8/ Been reading about cuts to employment, cuts to budgets, cuts to credit limits. Now you are reading about cuts to my column.

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