Column: Joe Morinville – Halloween Edition

Joe reflects on Halloweens of his past and how they differ from today.

1 – When I was young we dressed up as vampires…long cloak-wearing vampires that talked with thick Eastern-European accents and were afraid of garlic. Now kids dress up as vampires named Edward, vampires that are supposed to sparkle. I guess vampires these days are supposed to be sexy. Vampires are supposed to be scary. Halloween has nothing to do with sexiness.

2 – But apparently nobody told Wal-Mart because last time I was in there the rack of Halloween costumes was filled up with French maid costumes no French maid would be allowed to wear, except in Holland where that sort of thing is legal.

3 – I know it’s got nothing to do with Halloween but these Hipster folks seem to have Halloween going on year round. Taking perfectly appropriate clothing like cardigans, sweater vests, fedoras and those little hats the Scots wear, and making a mockery out of them by wearing them with skinny jeans and stupid facial hair. Saw a fellow the other day with red hair done up in an Afro that he parted right down the middle with an electric razor. Last time I saw something like that, the fellow was getting out of a little car with a bunch of other clowns at the circus.

4 – When I used to go out grabbing candy we would walk all over town. Now parents take their kids up and down their one street or to a mall or to some other central location where it is warm. Hell, by the time I’m dead they’ll be expecting us to bring the candy to them.

5 – If you shell out candy you know exactly what I am talking about. Last year our doorbell rang only five times. The first two were adorable little kids dressed as a pumpkin and Batman. The next one was a guy dressed as a door-to-door salesman. Actually, he was a door-to-door salesman and I gave him credit for visiting when he knew folks would be home. The last two were two teenagers with ten inches of underwear sticking out of the top of their pants and something metal jammed into their faces. I guess they were supposed to be dressed as zombies or idiot versions of Frankenstein.

6 – And Jack-O-Lanterns! What happened to just grabbing a pumpkin at the grocery store, gutting it like a fish, carving a face into it, and then jamming in a candle so it looked spooky on your step. Now it is some form of high art with meticulously carved designs that belong in an art book not the side of a pumpkin.

Happy Halloween!

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